8 months, 1 week and 4 days

It's amazing to think that the girls are just about at 8.5 months old. Their smiling faces and laughter are just about the best parts of my day. I imagine that most parents are overwhelming in love with their children, but I like to think that my love for those little girls transcends all human thinking.

I am a completely different person now. The person who started the infertility journey is long gone. She has been replaced with someone different. I like to think that the three ladies growing inside me left their imprint on my soul and changed me forever. I believe that they have.

I am more patient and respectful than I was previously. I am calmer about certain things and more neurotic about others. I am very easily distracted and very very forgetful. I am a mom.

I am saying this to lead into a totally unrelated, but semi-related discussion. It involves my previous post, the one about the blogger who publicly announced her reduction. I broke down and read her blog. Not all of her blog, but specifically the posts that outlined this pregnancy. Why?

Because she delivered her child. At 25 weeks.

I read it because I had to see if there were signs, if there were elements that God was teaching some bigger lesson here.

I try hard not to get preachy or religious on here. I believe that God has a plan and that we are all working the plan He has outlined for us. I believe in fate. I believe that we are constantly reliving life to learn different things and experience different things important to the end of our all encompassing story that is so much bigger than you or me.

Because of that, I had to find out how her story was playing out. In order to do that I had to go back to the beginning, or at least to the beginning of this particular chapter. In doing so, I learned or inferred things that I wished I hadn't. I publicly defended her in my previous post and now feel that I need to rescind that support. I support nothing about this woman.

I don't want to go further than that. I don't want to spend too much time on the subject, but I had to put that out there since I didn't want anyone to think that I have any sympathy, empathy or otherwise for this woman. I hope her child is healthy and wonderful. I hope he has a good life and supportive parents that love him no matter what. I wish him nothing but the best.

"God doesn't make mistakes..." (unsure of origins)

5 months 3 weeks 3 days

I feel safe enough to say that I have not blogged at all, not because having triplets is too time consuming (though at times it is), but because I have really just been lazy.

I don't want to bore you with all the details leading up to us delivering the girls, but I had HELLP and pre-e and they just needed to be here. I was 33 weeks 4 days and it was my grandfather's birthday. After their delivery my brother saw a double rainbow in the sky...though somewhere I am sure there was a third.

I may be biased, but I delivered three miracle angels. I believe this even when they are on their third hour of crying, at 2 am when they wake crying for a pacifier, when I really have to pee and can't. I believe this every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. They are the best things that have ever happened to Michael and me. I cannot imagine our life without them.

Some days I find the triplet mom community to be excluding. Some days so helpful. I often found the infertility community to be the same way. I figure whenever you get a bunch of women together there is bound to be drama. Good luck to all of you out there in either journey...it can be a war zone. I try my best to stay neutral, but I have a large opinionated mouth on me and it can do bad things.

I won't ever deny that I considered reduction. I don't think it was ever a reality for me or a thought that I would have independently had, but one that my RE planted in my head. It was a thought we entertained and it was hard to make a final decision, but we did. We made the decision that was right for our family.

I find it hard to not talk someone out of a reduction. I find it difficult to sit by and let them make a decision based on doctor's notions. There are no judgements, just the fact that everyday I live my decision not to reduce. I can't imagine having to the live the alternative...which one wouldn't be here?

I recently and continually read of a woman who chose the alternative and has publicly blogged about it. I give her credit for sharing it with the world. I am not sure I could have done that. I don't know the entire story as I try to stay out of the drama, but curiosity led me to skim her page.

I did not read any of the "nasty" comments left by triplet moms and others opposed to her decision to reduce. I did however read the ignorant ones left by those who know very little about multiples pregnancies and felt the sting a bit, I almost commented about their ignorance, but held my tongue, or fingers as the case may be.

I did not read her words and cry or become sad as I felt she was very diplomatic about how she wrote them. Cold in a way that I felt was a protection for her, but not really protecting her at all.

What I did do though, was wonder, how will she feel once her baby is here? Not because I am in some way judging her decision, as it is completely hers and has absolutely nothing to do with me, but because my feelings are always "who wouldn't be here?"...What would the alternative look like?

I believe 100% that parents of children conceived through infertility treatments love their children in a different way than parents who conceive on their own without difficulty. I will not say more, but completely differently. I believe 100% that triplet moms understand ignorance in a way that no one else will. Not that all sorts of people don't experience real ignorance, but because of the type of ignorance we deal with on an almost daily basis. What makes me sad is that both of these types of people are involved in this public Internet saga and neither has stopped to think about what they are doing to each other.

"Words can be daffodils or fire in an open field. I'm sitting here in the ash, stupid words I can't take back." -- David Barnes

30 Weeks 3 Days

Here I am at 30 weeks 3 days. I cannot believe I have made it this far! Bed rest definitely got easier when we reached viability. I feel safer every week that passes and really just can't wait to meet our girls. Pregnancy has really mellowed me out and I am hoping that once the girls get here, I can maintain this sense of cool. Michael and I discuss it each day. How we are a team and we need to go into this with the team mentality. We have been through so much together that raising triplet girls isn't going to be the thing that tears us down, but the thing that builds us up to another level of marriage, coupledom, friendship and love.

It is uncomfortable at this point in the pregnancy. My whole body feels sore and I am sure part of that is due to the inability to do much. I am not a small girl either. I am 5'10" with a solid frame (ie, I am built like a linebacker). I cannot imagine the girls who do this who are short and petite. But, as the doctor says, it is a marathon, not a sprint. Still I feel myself inching towards the finish line.

Very rarely do I do this, but I just came across it today while searching for something else and it really moved me. Infertility is very taboo and I have taken it on as a personal goal of mine to spread awareness of the issue as best I can. It's such a silent problem. It is so unnerving that most women and men in the situation feel so alone. I would like to change that in my lifetime. So today I came across the song that Jay-Z (Sean Carter) wrote about his daughter with Beyonce Knowles. The lyrics are so moving and powerful and I hear the words about their miscarriage and feel the weight of their pain. I feel the weight because it was the weight of Michael's and my pain. It is still there and will always be. I find it admirable that he had the courage to put these words out there.

So I leave you with them. I cannot wait to feel "the most amazing feeling I feel".

[Hook]
The most amazing feeling I feel
Words can't describe the feeling, for real
Baby I paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you, you: Glory

[Verse 1]
False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time
Your mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your hands for her?
Glory! Glory! Glory! Sorry
Everything that I prayed for
God's gift, I wish I woulda prayed more
God makes no mistakes, I made a few
Rough sledding here and there, but I made it through
I wreak havoc on the world
Get ready for part two
A younger, smarter faster me
So a pinch of Hov, a whole glass of Bé

[Hook]

[Verse 2]
Your Grandpop died of nigga failure
Then he died of liver failure
Deep down he was a good man
Goddamn, I can't deliver failure
Bad-ass lil Hov
Two years old, shopping on Savile Row
Wicked-ass lil B
Hard not to spoil you rotten, looking like little me
The most beautifulest thing in this world
Is daddy's little girl
You don't yet know what swag is but you was made in Paris
And mama woke up the next day and shot her album package
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you'd disappear, but nah, baby, you magic
So there you have it, shit happens
Just make sure the plane you on is bigger than your carry-on baggage
Everybody go through stuff
Life is a gift, love, open it up
You're a child of destiny
You're the child of my destiny
You're my child with the child from Destiny's Child
That's a hell of a recipe
Glory! Glory! Glory! Sorry..

[Hook]